Being a Facebook Creep 2.0 takes a lot of time, stealthiness, and a lack of life and/or hobbies. Enter: me. Hello. When I’m pretending to be reading the online version of The New Yorker, I’m actually creeping on YOUR New Year’s 2004 photo album. Nice turtleneck.
By the way, I hope you don’t think I’m actually talking about myself, it’s a euphemism for ALL of us. Every last one of us. And if you’re not a Facebook creep, you’re a god damn liar. Or you don’t have Facebook.
Anyho, after creeping for, well, lets be honest, years now, I’ve come to the conclusion that we, as a Facebook generation, share the same types of profile pictures.
Now it differs with the sexes. Girls have specific profile picture types, and boys have their own. I’m not saying everyone is the same, but there’s definitely some sort of pattern. Ladies first?
THE 5 FACEBOOK PROFILE PICS THAT EVERY GIRL HAS: (You know you have at least one of these. I have, like all. LMFAO OMG WTF.)
1) The “I am a Fancy Wine-Drinker” Profile Pic:
This is almost offset like a humblebrag– you want to be fancy and sophisticated by having a profile picture of you drinking wine (them fancy folk brew), but most likely you are pulling a funny face as to still be humble, even though you are fancy and indeed, drinking wine out of a glass– not box nor shoe. There are a couple different variations of this pic:
- The “I’ve had a couple glasses of wine by myself while I’m getting ready, and damn I look good so I should take a picture in the mirror” wine profile pic. Double points for purple teeth.
-The “I’m fancy drinking wine and laughing while someone took a pic”. Yes, you’re straight out of a still from a rom-com where the bridesmaid gets the guy. BOOM. And if this is a guy’s picture? Creepy. Stop laughing in slow mo.
* Note: Please keep in mind that the wine profile pic is seldom taken while sitting at home, in your sweats while you’re watching Teen Mom 2, which, in my opinion, happens more often then shmoozing or slow-mo laughing wine opts. Unless, you know, you be k-lassy like that.
2) The “Mystically-looking-away” Profile Pic:
Works well for girls who are beautiful. For the rest of us, just looks like we came down with a bout of diarrhea and we’re trying not to inhale.Why does this particular profile pic work so well? It accentuates those who are naturally beautiful, and enhances this natural beauty in natural settings, such as looking out to sea in a mystical manner. It shows your natural ability to be one with the wind, and Tyra-Banks the shit outta those mystical eyes.
3. “The Band of Hot Girls Pic”.
This profile pic says: I have friends, and they’re ALL hot. And you can’t sleep with any of us. But we’re hot. Girls love these pics. Most often, they are uploaded after Girls Night, woohoo! or Girls’ Trip to Vegas, (double) woohoo!
Note: Girl who uploads this pic will make sure that she looks the hottest out of hot friends. Or at the very least, the skinniest and/or has the best cleavage.
4) The “Canada’s Next Top Web Cam Facebook Profile Pic”, Pic
This profile pic (I admit to administering my own shameless upload) is created when girl is left to their own devices too long. One gin and tonic and one Britney Spears hit circa 2002 later and she’s discovered her laptop has a webcam. After making a music karaoke video of Britney, she moves on to bigger and better things– prettying up her profile picture. Bright factor, up. Background light, yes please. Pixelation station? Pop pop! It’s Britney, Bitch.
5) The “Feet” Profile Pic.
I don’t know what it is. Us girls effing love to take pictures of our feet. Sometimes it’s ‘cos we’re wearing amazing heels that were in actuality only on for 13 minutes, but we wanted to take a picture to forever remind ourselves that yes, we are ladies in high heels. Alternative shots of this pic include barefeet with pretty pretty toenails, slutty feet (you know what I’m talking about, ho), or black and white shot of feet. (Artistic footage. Hah, geddit, FOOT-age?!?!? I bolded the foot part so you’d extra get it).
Note: Sometimes the “Feet” profile picture is combined with a “Band of Hot Girls” profile pic, thus becomming a “Band of Hot Girl’s Feet” pic. Of course, the girl who’s uploading this has the cutest shoes.
Let’s hear it for the boys!
THE 5 FACEBOOK PROFILE PICS THAT EVERY BOY HAS:
1. “The Trophy” Profile Pic
You could be holding up the 20 pound salmon you just caught, or the 100 pound hot blonde you reeled in. Trophy pics are straight to the point. Manly. Winning even. The Trophy Profile Pic isn’t complete without a shit-eating grin, and why not? You’re the man, cool guy. Bonus points for a puka-shell necklace.
2. The “Novelty” Profile Pic
These profile pics are most common around Halloween, Stag parties, or any occasion that requires some sort of dress up. They say I’m funny, I have a personality too. I’m retarded, look at my leprechaun hat.
Note: These profile pics are great (must say i have a few myself, hellloooo Movember), but beware when one has ONLY the Novelty Profile Pic. That bastards hiding something.
3. The “Non-descript, I never use Facebook” Profile Pic
This is a profile pic that rivals a highschool yearbook photo. A good one, albeit. No special effects, no props, no trophies. Nothing. They look content, healthy. Boring. Way way too boring. Maybe the guy has a side part. Thing is, this person hasn’t changed their profile pic since they started their account in 2004. They’re only a mere smidge away from having the standard Facebook icon as a profile pic. Change your damn profile pic! May I suggest a mystically looking away one to spice up that wall….
Note: This is almost ALWAYS a man profile pic, seldom do you come across a girl with this dilema. I did some research to find out why, but then I got distracted looking at your newest mobile uploads.
4. The “Sports Team” Profile Pic
A profile picture of a winning touchdown, goal, basket. A shot of a victory hoist. This profile pic means that they probably really like sports. Definition fail. Orrrrr…I could continue writing, but I’ll do so in the style of a Cosmo magazine quiz answer: If your answer was A, and your crush has a picture of a sports team as his profile picture, it means that he’s not ready for a committed relationship. You watch yourself, guuuuurl.
5. The “Drunk Picture That You Think Makes You Looks Really Cool, but Really it Doesn’t” Profile Pic
Yep, yep, yep yeeeep. You’re hanging off your buddy. There’s a beer in your hand. Perhaps a slight duckface lip curl, but not full duckface because lets face it, you’re not that desperate. This says: “I’m cool, I enjoy beer”.Then you look closer. There’s vomit on your shoe. And, hey, wait a minute! That eye is not winking sexycrazycool at the camera….it’s squinting because that’s the only way you can stand and see straight.
Note: Due to closer inspection after uploading this picture (because it reminded you of the superawesomehappy fun time chill dude you are), you realize maybe you should take it down before your mom sees. That is why this profile pic is never up longer than a week.
So now that you’re all learned and stuff about some common Facebook Profile Pictures, I encourage you to stop writing your paper, stop pretending to work, put down that damn baby and go creep on your neighbors profile pic. I bet you one duckface you’ll find at least one of the above stashed in there.
Till next time……xoxo