Things that make you go blaaaaaah.

Posted on April 23, 2012 by

Although we are mostly over the hump of this season of endless television, impulsive anything-covered-in-cheese purchases, and lack of fresh air, we are not. quite. there. yet.

We’ve seen glimmers of hope delivered to us via Hefeweizen being the beer special instead of Winterale. Last weekend’s epic weather, anyone? And of course, the return of Game of Thrones because that just makes everything better.

But it’s still yucky outside. Mother Nature is still being a little tease, and I just can’t be creative without Vitamin D. So instead, I’m going to embrace the Blaaaaaaaaahhhhh by observing all things blaaaah. They are the things that are mundane enough that you only notice them after passing them 20 times. It’s an object that you notice just because you’ve spaced out long enough that your eyes happen to refocus  in that general area. (Whoa! There’s windows up there?) They are lame, but not lame enough to be offensive. They are simply Blaaaaaah, and here, they will be uncovered– a Blah blog, if you will.

Man this blog’s gone downhill.

Things that make you go Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah:

- The framed cartoon strip in your doctor’s/dentist’s/optometrist’s office. It’s usually not funny, it doesn’t even usually make a legit point,  it’s just there.

-Along with this framed, unfunny cartoon strip, please note the blaaaaah motivational poster.

Note: Animal posters are slightly better and may survive off their cuteness (Kitten: “Hanging in there” anyone?), but the ones with someone rock climbing? Blaaaahh-tivational. Hmmm, did I pull off that word? Probably not.

- Skin-colored tights.

- The music playing upstairs at the Bay right now. Five bucks says it involves zero lyrics and at least two types of saxophones.

- Cucumbers in Greek salad. If I ruled the world, I’d cut that shit out.

- The carpet pattern on BC Ferries amiriiiiight or what?!

-Virgin Caesars. If they exist…

- The color beige. Except when worn by J-Lo obviously…that tanned goddess.

- 90′s television series Roseanne.

- Smithers’ voice off of the Simpsons.

- Watching Nascar.

-Ben Stein aka Kevin off of the Wonder Years’ science teacher. Can you imagine? (How good you’d be at science of course)

Awwww but what did I doooooo??

- Music by Uncle Kracker.

- Linoleum from the 60′s. Bonus blah if its got some shade of puke in it.

- Crotchet toilet roll covers.

Her name is Cindy.

- Oranges that aren’t Mandarin oranges.

- The moms in Swiffer commercials.

- A “Dog the Bounty Hunter” marathon.

- Strip malls.

-Those weird malls that have weird stores that you’ve never seen before. 

-Those weird stores in those weird malls...like stores completely dedicated to selling only bottle openers.

-The letter “H” has never really done anything for me…so it’s going on the list.

- Decaf anything.

- The music that Shaw plays when the channels are scrolling down. For those of you that have that fancy cable, I’m (mostly) alluding to the synthesized versions of Louie Armstrong classics.

-Catch phrases from the 90s: “Did I do that?” “How rude!” etc…

Alright. That’s it, I’m done…I think I see some sun poking behind that gigantic gray cloud…

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Disney 101

Posted on March 29, 2012 by

Lately I’ve been thinking – should I have paid $12.00 to see Beauty and the Beast 3D in theatres? Who the hell would have gone with me? I justified not going by the idea of maybe downloading it and watching it when I’m hungover on a Sunday. I’m not going to get the 3D visuals, but Lumiere might have just been a little too enticing anyways, and, let’s face it, having a crush on that French candlestick playa-playah is already a little weird.

Also, it got me thinking that Belle was the coolest (probably second, maaaaybe third place in Disney princesses I’d want to be). When I was 23 12 I wanted to be just like her.

It also got me thinking about my past Disney experiences…and if they had any part in shaping my very tangible young mind. So I backtracked, and thought about what Disney had taught me as a child. Here’s what I gathered:

- If anyone’s going to help you out in life (in a magical manner), they will most likely be overweight.

-That being said, if you’re a woman, you either have the body of a Sports Illustrated model, or the body of Kathy Bates. It’s a tough world.

- Ugly people are mean.

- People with rosy cheeks are nice.

- You always need a man to save you, especially when it comes to death by sleeping. 

- If there is someone dressed up as a character, hug them without hesitation. DO NOT stop to think who is underneath there.

-There are few ways to die: poison, oversleeping, or *SPOILER ALERT* being caught in a Stampede! In the gorge! Simba’s down there!

- There are few occupations for women: princess, maid/nanny, poor woman, or magical animal.

-There are few occupations for men: inventors, beast/monster, prince, or magical animal.

– Scientists ALWAYS wear glasses.

-You shouldn’t trust anyone with inquisitive eyebrows.

- Every important life lesson can be found in a song. Baby, baby, baby ohhhhh thought you’d always be mine…

- Getting older is horrible and to be avoided if/when possible.

- Alcohol is always contained in a jug marked “xxx”, and when you’ve had too much, you will burp bubbles.

-Glass high heels are a GREAT idea.

-Losing one of your heels at a party and bailing before midnight is a sure-fire way to attract a man.

- Probably shouldn’t eat apples given to you by sketchy-looking, hood-wearing old crones. They’re most definitely filled with poison.

- If a guys who’s been living on the streets with his pet monkey offers you a “magic carpet ride” – DEFINITELY take it.

- If you have fun and eat candy with other kids, you WILL turn into a donkey.

-Birds help you put your clothes on. 

- Dogs love spaghetti. Allow them to eat a big plate of it on the kitchen table. It’s okay because they’re in love.

- There’s ALWAYS a fish spine found in any garbage bin. It’s a universal thing.

- To hook a prince, change a huge physical aspect of yourself. Leg implants?

- Bananas are extremely slippery, and always on the ground when you’re chasing someone.

- The underdog ALWAYS wins. Always.

- Siblings are, most of the time, evil as all hell.

- It’s okay to have sex with animals, they will probably turn into good-looking humans if you love them enough.

- If he ain’t got a castle…BOUNCE!

- One of your best friends will be an animal. Just go with it.

- You will own at least one magical inanimate object.

- If it sings to you, it’s probably not polite to eat it.

-Trumpets=royalty, Violins=love and Pianos=cats. Wait, what?

Needless to say, only 3% of these lessons I learned are actually viable in real life.  I’m not going to say which ones (ITS THE SPAGHETTI DOG ONE), but obviously we grew up and discovered T.G.I.F. (whatever happened to Mr. Feeney off of Boy Meets World?) and learned more valuable lessons, like Melissa Joan Heart has a lazy eye (she’s just like me!).

Anyways, although these Disney lies may come as a shock to you, it’s important for you to be skooooled in Disney 101. Bottom line — Disney had a lot of mixed messages that may or may not have affected a lot of little kids’ ideas about life. Also lots of underlying notes of racism.  Lessons learned? Always take your Disney with a grain of Pixar.

Anyways, until next time…..

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14 Holidays that are better than Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 13, 2012 by

Now that I’m older, I’ve come to realize an important thing about this holiday: it’s ValentiNe’s, not ValentiMe’s Day.

I also learned 5 minutes ago that Saint Valentine’s Day began as a holiday honoring multiple Christian martyrs–now it’s a holiday where teens buy skanky La Senza lingerie, drink coolers, and do things they’ll regret to the sounds of some retarded band called Hedley.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a full-on hater of the holiday, but I can definitely see that it’s overrated and can make people bummed, which is stupid. 

A lot of people complain that Valentine’s Day is just a holiday created by Hallmark and Plan B to make money and make single women buy more chocolate dough. Because this may be 100% true, I checked out some other holidays, and while not as popular, are def better than Valentine’s Day.  I don’t know who legits this shit, but it’s on the internet so that means its real.

So, in the spirit of V-day (V for Valentine’s, not Venereal disease), here are:

14 Holidays that are better than Valentines Day!

1) Feb. 23rd: “International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day”

I don’t know if the rest of you are as stoked as I am, but now’s your chance to really see what they taste like. AND it’s not just a national thing! It’s INTERNATIONAL Dog Biscuit day….can you imagine an Italian biscuit? Go on, go on. Doooo it. Thatta boy! Here’s a treat.

2) Sept. 6th: “Fight Procrastination Day”

At first I thought this meant like, fight another day, procrastinate your argument kinda thing…and I was like sweet, I’m gonna air out all my beefs today, and we can’t fight about it. Nope, gotta procrastinate that shit. Turns out I read it wrong, and it actually means fight your procrastination. Fail. Valentine’s Day is def. 100% better than this holiday, unless your one of those “Type A” people…which in that case, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog. But, as I am clearly NOT Type A, I’m just going to go ahead and pretend it’s what I thought it meant at first.

3)  Sept 18th: “National Cheeseburger Day”

Odd. I was under the impression this way everyday….

4) First Saturday in October: “Frugal Fun Day”

On this, the day, of Frugal Fun, you most partake in free activities. Even though this sounds like a holiday invented by your friendly neighborhood stay-at-home-mom, it’s also an excuse to brainstorm some new activities. Like rooting through your neighbor’s trash. Cool! Canned artichokes! Remember to be frugal on the price of the activity…but not frugal on the fun!!!

5) October 31st: “Increase your Psychic Powers Day”

I am predicting on this day….a lot of girls will dress up like hoes and there will be a lot of excess puke in the streets…..

6) First Sunday in July: “Build a Scarecrow Day“

Think what you will…but building a scarecrow is on my bucket list so this holiday is therefore better than V-day.

7) May 12th: “Fatigue Syndrome Day”

Here are some suggestions I found for this holiday:

  • Go right back to bed
  • Take a nap
  • Take a siesta
  • Use up a vacation day
  • Cancel the day

I am so trying this day. “Dear boss, in respect to Fatigue Syndrome Day, I hereby, cancel said day. Sincerely, Van Hagulus-Witherby”. That’s how I imagined my name in that scenario. Also I have a British accent.

8) April 8th: “Draw a Picture of a Bird Day”

Um, do I even need to explain the awesomeness of this day?

9) February 28th: “Public Sleeping Day”

Something tells me this will be the new planking. Pleeping? Stay tuned for mass Youtube hits…

10) September 19th: “Talk Like a Pirate Day”

Not to be confused with, get “Get hot-mess drunk in the afternoon and have a conversation with someone on the bus day”, which may or may not have similar outcomes for you. Niiiiiceeee day for a pint yeaarrrrg? See? It can go either way.

11) September 22nd: “Business Women’s Day”

You may think this is a day to celebrate how far we’ve screwed ourselves over come with balancing work life with other societal expectations of women, or celebrating our superiority equality within the workplace. Maybe you think it’s a good opportunity to blast some Chaka Khan. Maybe you’re right, or maybe it’s just a day where you have an excuse to wear a power-suit. Even if it’s a powersuit while watching Maury kind of day…

12) September 16th: “National Playdough Day”

Don’t get too excited, you’re still not supposed to eat it.

13) August 17th: “National Thriftshop Day”

Or as I like to call it: Christmas shopping.

14) June 19th: “World Saunter Day”

Why walk, when you can saunter? Sauntering is the new swagging.

Well, that’s all for now. Hope you all have a loverly Valentine’s Day, Anti-Valentine’s Day, or a great early International Dog Biscuit Day. Whatever floats your boat…

LOVE FOREVER OMG!!!!! XOXOXOXOXO

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20 Awkward Things

Posted on January 26, 2012 by

Awkward. My middle name. Micheal Cera’s character in, well, everything. A good 5 years of your life between braces, bras and sporadic boners, unless, of course, you’re that guy or that girl..and then you just watched the rest of us be awkward around you. So you kind of know what it’s about, you smooth 1% you.

Hipsters have made it cool; the CW has made it a catch-phrase on every teen-esque show– “Awk-waaaard”. Who knows, maybe it’s trending on Twitter right now: #awkward. (This is my subtle way of mentioning Twitter so you can FOLLOW ME. It’s on the right.)

In every which way, awkward situations are always hilarious and/or the worst things to happen to your life. So in celebration of awkwardness….

Here are 20 awkward things:

1) Watching a movie on your laptop in a public place, and a graphic sex scene comes on. Do you close the laptop? Do you continue watching non-nonchalantly like your some friggin’ espresso-drinking European who watches porn in public because your just so damn open? Do you skip forward? What? Tell me? Seriously, I’ve been in this situation more than once….anyone else ride BC Ferries?

2) Seeing your boss/teacher/priest/guru in “real world” context. “Oh, hi there Mrs. S. You buy ketchup too. Huh. Well, see you Monday!” Small talk/real world fail.

3) When you get a drastic hair cut or hair did and no one says anything about it. It’s obvious you’ve done something, but what’s more obvious is the fact that they hate it so much they’re pretending like it’s not there. Like coleslaw on your plate when you order a burger.

4) Girls trying to out-wait each other to poo in side-by-side stalls. Something about us makes us too polite to go, so we just wait till the other leaves. Sometimes, however, no one leaves. That’s when things get awkward.

5) Giving a crappy tip on your debit or credit card while the server is right there and then you have to wait till your friend pays too.

6) Elevators.

7) Not looking at something.

8) Nice apartment, smelly feet.

9) Old people doing it. I’m talking to you, Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. Do NOT watch “It’s Complicated”. (Especially on your laptop in a public place).

10) The stupid walk/dance you do when you go in the same direction with someone, but it goes on just a little too long to be cute so you’re just like “F!-get-out-of-the-goddamn-way!” No? Wintertime in Vancouver? Streets are angry, yo.

11) When you don’t know if an old man is being a cute grandpa or a mega-creeper until something makes you realize it’s more the latter.

12) Having a conversation with an acquaintance that you haven’t seen in awhile and asking them about something that you could have only learned through Facebook. Have fun trying to back-pedal through that doozy.

13) A 14-year old boys’ mustache. Or a 14 year old girls’ mustache for that matter. You know, before they’re actually all whisker-y and there just a bunch of soft, dark hairs. Shudder.

14) The armrest between airplane seats or in cinemas. Cue passive-aggressive elbow nudging.

15) Watching HBO/Showtime/FX with your parents.

16) Sex and the City 2. Especially Samantha. Sigh.

17) Thinking someone is talking to you when you’ve got headphones in, so you take them out and are all like “pardon” but then turns out they’re not actually talking to you. Then you put your headphones back in and then they actually talk to you…it’s just a lot of taking out headphones and putting them back in.

18) Saying “thanks” when it was actually a question.

19) Reaching for things in a high cupboard. You. just. can’t. reach. so. awkward! Womp, womp.

20) Introducing yourself to someone for the gabillionth time, and the only feasible excuse you can think to generate is “Sorry, I was drunk.” Then they make an eye gesture that makes you question your life choices.

Well, later. This is me.  Unless, you know, you wanna come up…Oh no? Oh yah I gotta get up early too….ya totally. I’ll wait for your call. I mean, I won’t wait for it, but yeah. Shoot me a text. Okay, bye.

Awwwkwaaaard. Until next week, on the CW…

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5 Facebook Profile Pictures that EVERYONE has.

Posted on December 16, 2011 by

Being a Facebook Creep 2.0 takes a lot of time, stealthiness, and a lack of life and/or hobbies.  Enter: me. Hello. When I’m pretending to be reading the online version of The New Yorker, I’m actually creeping on YOUR New Year’s 2004 photo album. Nice turtleneck.

By the way, I hope you don’t think I’m actually talking about myself, it’s a euphemism for ALL of us. Every last one of us. And if you’re not a Facebook creep, you’re a god damn liar. Or you don’t have Facebook.

Anyho, after creeping for, well, lets be honest, years now, I’ve come to the conclusion that we, as a Facebook generation, share the same types of profile pictures.

Now it differs with the sexes. Girls have specific profile picture types, and boys have their own. I’m not saying everyone is the same, but there’s definitely some sort of pattern. Ladies first?

THE 5 FACEBOOK PROFILE PICS THAT EVERY GIRL HAS: (You know you have at least one of these. I have, like all. LMFAO OMG WTF.)

1) The “I am a Fancy Wine-Drinker” Profile Pic:

This is almost offset like a humblebrag– you want to be fancy and sophisticated by having a profile picture of you drinking wine (them fancy folk brew), but most likely you are pulling a funny face as to still be humble, even though you are fancy and indeed, drinking wine out of a glass– not box nor shoe. There are a couple different variations of this pic:

- The “I’ve had a couple glasses of wine by myself while I’m getting ready, and damn I look good so I should take a picture in the mirror” wine profile pic. Double points for purple teeth.

-The “I’m fancy drinking wine and laughing while someone took a pic”. Yes, you’re straight out of  a still from a rom-com where the bridesmaid gets the guy. BOOM. And if this is a guy’s picture? Creepy. Stop laughing in slow mo.

* Note: Please keep in mind that the wine profile pic is seldom taken while sitting at home, in your sweats while you’re watching Teen Mom 2, which, in my opinion, happens more often then shmoozing or slow-mo laughing wine opts. Unless, you know, you be k-lassy like that.

2) The “Mystically-looking-away” Profile Pic:

Works well for girls who are beautiful. For the rest of us, just looks like we came down with a bout of diarrhea and we’re trying not to inhale.Why does this particular profile pic work so well? It accentuates those who are naturally beautiful, and enhances this natural beauty in natural settings, such as looking out to sea in a mystical manner. It shows your natural ability to be one with the wind, and Tyra-Banks the shit outta those mystical eyes.

3. “The Band of Hot Girls Pic”.

This profile pic says: I have friends, and they’re ALL hot. And you can’t sleep with any of us. But we’re hot. Girls love these pics. Most often, they are uploaded after Girls Night, woohoo! or Girls’ Trip to Vegas, (double) woohoo!

Note: Girl who uploads this pic will make sure that she looks the hottest out of hot friends. Or at the very least, the skinniest and/or has the best cleavage.

4) The “Canada’s Next Top Web Cam Facebook Profile Pic”, Pic

This profile pic (I admit to administering my own shameless upload) is created when girl is left to their own devices too long. One gin and tonic and one Britney Spears hit circa 2002 later and she’s discovered her laptop has a webcam. After making a music karaoke video of Britney, she moves on to bigger and better things– prettying up her profile picture. Bright factor, up. Background light, yes please. Pixelation station? Pop pop!  It’s Britney, Bitch.

5) The “Feet”  Profile Pic. 

I don’t know what it is. Us girls effing love to take pictures of our feet. Sometimes it’s ‘cos we’re wearing amazing heels that were in actuality only on for 13 minutes, but we wanted to take a picture to forever remind ourselves that yes, we are ladies in high heels. Alternative shots of this pic  include barefeet with pretty pretty toenails, slutty feet (you know what I’m talking about, ho), or black and white shot of feet. (Artistic footage. Hah, geddit, FOOT-age?!?!? I bolded the foot part so you’d extra get it).

Note: Sometimes the “Feet” profile picture is combined with a “Band of Hot Girls” profile pic, thus becomming a “Band of Hot Girl’s Feet” pic. Of course, the girl who’s uploading this has the cutest shoes.

Let’s hear it for the boys!

THE 5 FACEBOOK PROFILE PICS THAT EVERY BOY HAS:

1. “The Trophy” Profile Pic

You could be holding up the 20 pound salmon you just caught, or the 100 pound hot blonde you reeled in. Trophy pics are straight to the point. Manly. Winning even. The Trophy Profile Pic isn’t complete without a shit-eating grin, and why not? You’re the man, cool guy. Bonus points for a puka-shell necklace.

2. The “Novelty” Profile Pic

These profile pics are most common around Halloween, Stag parties, or any occasion that requires some sort of dress up. They say I’m funny,  I have a personality too. I’m retarded, look at my leprechaun hat.

Note: These profile pics are great (must say i have a few myself, hellloooo Movember), but beware when one has ONLY the Novelty Profile Pic. That bastards hiding something.

3. The “Non-descript, I never use Facebook” Profile Pic

This is a profile pic that rivals a highschool yearbook photo. A good one, albeit. No special effects, no props, no trophies. Nothing. They look content, healthy. Boring. Way way too boring. Maybe the guy has a side part. Thing is, this person hasn’t changed their profile pic since they started their account in 2004. They’re only a mere smidge away from having the standard Facebook icon as a profile pic. Change your damn profile pic! May I suggest a mystically looking away one to spice up that wall….

Note: This is almost ALWAYS a man profile pic, seldom do you come across a girl with this dilema. I did some research to find out why, but then I got distracted looking at your newest mobile uploads.

4. The “Sports Team” Profile Pic

A profile picture of a winning touchdown, goal, basket. A shot of a victory hoist. This profile pic means that they probably really like sports. Definition fail. Orrrrr…I could continue writing, but I’ll do so in the style of a Cosmo magazine quiz answer: If your answer was A, and your crush has a picture of a sports team as his profile picture, it means that he’s not ready for a committed relationship. You watch yourself, guuuuurl.

5. The “Drunk Picture That You Think Makes You Looks Really Cool, but Really it Doesn’t” Profile Pic

Yep, yep, yep yeeeep. You’re hanging off your buddy. There’s a beer in your hand. Perhaps a slight duckface lip curl, but not full duckface because lets face it, you’re not that desperate. This says: “I’m cool, I enjoy beer”.Then you look closer. There’s vomit on your shoe. And, hey, wait a minute! That eye is not winking sexycrazycool at the camera….it’s squinting because that’s the only way you can stand and see straight.

Note: Due to closer inspection after uploading this picture (because it reminded you of the superawesomehappy fun time chill dude you are), you realize maybe you should take it down before your mom sees. That is why this profile pic is never up longer than a week.

So now that you’re all learned and stuff about some common Facebook Profile Pictures, I encourage you to stop writing your paper, stop pretending to work, put down that damn baby and go creep on your neighbors profile pic. I bet you one duckface you’ll find at least one of the above stashed in there.

Till next time……xoxo

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Christmas for Grown-Ups. (Not starring Adam Sandler)

Posted on November 18, 2011 by

 

 

 

Halloween is hella over, hoes. Time to hang up the fishnets and the shame and concentrate on the next holiday: Christmas. PS. is “hella” still in? Probably more than “da bomb”, which is pretty much never coming back…but I digress….

Right now, as I’m writing this, there’s only 36 days, 10 hours and 28 minutes until the big J’s b-day. FYI I obviously didn’t calculate this BUT I did have enough sense to know that another Christmas Freak would do it for me in this marvelous Christmas Countdown. (If Kim Kardashian made it, it would be called Kristmas Kountdown).

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And yes, I was singing it in my head as I typed that. Try not singing it when you read it. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

Now that we are all older and somewhat wiser, I was thinking about how Christmas was back in tha day, as a little kid. Obviously awesome, but it got me thinking about how you perceive Christmas now. So I decided to make a table about it comparing Christmas when you’re young, and Christmas when you’re old. TABLE. SCIENTIFIC. I’m all about capital letters today. Have a gander!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That took me three goddamn hours of my life. (kidding)??

Christmas is awesome! And it’s awesomer (no matter what age) to start getting stoked about it right when the Halloween candy goes on sale and the Bay starts tacky-ing up trees with purple. PURPLE TREES. What else gets us through shite November (sorry November) with no sun, light, or Breaking Bad. And in the spirit of Christmas for Grown-ups…here’s some more awesome Christmas things…..

1) Starbucks Christmas drinks!!! – Now I can justify spending $5.00+ on a coffee, because the cup is red and there’s a gingerbread taste to it! I’m not being sarcastic I actually love them.

2) Getting fat, together. A chocolate here, a cashew there, a sherry to wash down the gravy. Wait, what? From now until Christmas is the time to let it all hang out. But it’s OK because we are gaining at least 5-10 pounds as a collective group. Let’s start by buying a Starbucks Christmas specialty coffee everygoddamnmorning yay!

3) Watching Home Improvement on a Saturday. Messed up, right? WRONG. Since it’s too gross to go outside now, it’s like a pre-Christmas cozy haven to snuggle up and watch amazing shows from the 90′s. Whoever liked Zachery Ty Bryant anyways? It’s all about JTT….

4) Boots boots boots!!!!!!!! Boot season is back! Almost as great as the other season, flip-flop season.

5) Snow, skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing, hot-tubs, mountains.

6) WINTERALE. Older=winning.

7) Turtlenecks.

8 ) Increase in male facial hair. So hot right now.

9) Fake fireplaces. Real ones are pretty nice too.

10) Spending time with loved ones. Really. It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Happy Seasonal Affective Disorder Month/Movember. Until we meet again, keep dreaming of sugar plums and JTT….

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The Sweetest But(t)lers

Posted on October 14, 2011 by

When I was younger, I wanted to be a butler. No, really. They always portrayed such an air of awesome smarminess about them, with their cool mustaches and even cooler raised eyebrows…

However, it wasn’t long before my dreams were dashed as I slowly realized that:

A)   I wasn’t a man, and,

B)   It wouldn’t be that cool to be a butler.

Anyways, I figured out that this particular dream of mine spawned (like all my dreams) from the perils of daytime television…and their inaccurate depiction of butlers– because every butler on TV is awesome, just ask Jeeves.

A little history…

According to trusty and always reliable source Wikipedia, the word “butler” is derivative of the Old French word for cup bearer, “bouteleur“, and “bouteille“, the word for bottle.

Back in tha day, butlers were predominately male, and were in charge of the male staff, and were higher paid then the housemaids. How sexist/I am so shocked/feigned outrage/interest…blah blah blah.

Now that the edumacational stuff is over with, lets check out the Sweetest Butt(lers):

Niles from “The Nanny”

Say whatttup to Niles, or "G'day, yeessss, mmmm, snarl" in a shitty phony British accent. This dude is the blonde James Bond (well, the other blonde James Bond) that's licensed to...clean.

The Dirt: Niles was basically born into Butlery (shitty deal) and is known for being a snoop with a consistently raised eyebrow (is there any other way?). His bff is the nanny, Fran who sounds like, well, not someone you would want to talk to, ever. He hates C.C. Babcock, his boss’ business partner, but then ends up falling for her, marrying her, and subsequently knocking her up. (Is anyone shocked by this…because I remember her being like 50 on the show…?)

Bottom But(t): This butler always has your back. Baby got back.  It’s underlined because it’s not only a song lyric, but it has two meanings. I’ll wait here while you figure it out…. Anyways, he may be a snoop, but it’s okay because of the eyebrow thing and his accent. Without the accent, he’d probably just be a creep. PS. You  don’t want none unless he got buns, hun.  Now that was just irrelevant.

But(t) Rating: 3/5 butts.

Geoffry or “G” from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air

That clip really says it all…

The Dirt: Geoffrey Barbara (what?) Butler had quite the life before catering to the Prince of Bel Air. After being caught in a cheating scandal in the 1976 Olympics he fled his hometown. In the ’70s, he was a butler for Led Zeppelin, and then Chuck Norris in the ’80s. Then…the Banks family.

Bottom But(t): This butler really has it all…the smarm, the classic British upity-ness, the snoop appeal (not the rapper, but interesting how you went there…) and also he knows how to party and more importantly, do the running man.  Also he is that good that he suprisingly never gets fired–even when he constantly tells his boss how fat he is. If only…

But(t) Rating: 4/5 butts. This butt has balls.

“Lurch” from The Adams Family

You raaaaang?

Dun nu nu nu *bom bom* dun nun nun nun *bom bom* dun nun nun nun, dun nun nun nun, dun nun nun nun *bom Bom*

Man, typing that out took a lot more brain power then previously estimated…(how many dun’s do i need to type?!?!) and if you don’t know…its clearly that effing theme song to that show which will now be stuck in my head all weekend. (Ps: Who let the dogs out?/It’s Friday, friday…party and party and fun…fun fun fun fun/We like to party, we like, we like to party….) Ahem, sorry. Just had to get that all out of my system. Who, who, who, who…who let the dogs out?

The Dirt: Anyways, Lurch is the freak family’s “manservant” (yeah, I know, I went there too) who usually causes more trouble then he’s worth, due to the fact that he’s dumb as all hell. And tall. Ew.

Bottom But(t): Despite his monstrousities and mistakes, the Adams family loves Lurch as one of their own. And who couldn’t with that hilarious catch-phrase, “You rang?” Well, me for one. I would nooooot want this foo creeping around my house. Plus, no British butler accent? Next!

But(t) Rating: 1.5/5. Because I think he might have cool shoes. Like red clown shoes maybe?

Alfred Pennyworth

And you thought Harry Potter started the whole circle glasses trend...

The Dirt: Alfred is sure worth more then a penny. When he first entered the comic scene back in ’43, he was overweight, with no ‘stache. Then, when he was portrayed in his first on-screen role, he was thin with a mustache. WHAT?! They summed it up to Alfred taking a “health” vacation. Since slimming down, Alfred spends his time buffing the Batmobile and eating Werthers Orgininals. Probably.

Bottom But(t): He is a father-figure/confidant/unsung hero to Bruce Wayne…probably one of the coolest butlers around. This guy has saved Batman and his boyfriend Robin, and is as loyal as Jwoww is to Roger in Season 4.

But(t) Rating: 5/5. I don’t think you could find a better butt for Batman. Well, maybe Robin’s…

Well that’s all for now. Bernard will show you out. But first, I don’t think I included enough butts in this post. Butt butt butt bum. I’m 26.


Happy Friday! xo

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